Single Parent Dating: Seven Tips for Helping Your Child Cope


You're a single parent who has decided to start dating. You've talked to enough people to know that your kids may not accept this easily. For starters, experts say, chances are good that your son or daughter still yearns for Mom and Dad to reunite.

"Children often will simply reject anybody new because they want Mommy and Daddy to be back together," says John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (Harper & Brothers, 1992) and its many sequels.

But there's a lot you can do to help your kids accept your decision to date. Here are some pointers:

> Explain to your children that adult companionship is important to your happiness. Introduce the concept of dating early on, advises Wendy Kaufman, chief executive officer of Balancing Life's Issues, an executive and personal wellness training organization based in Ossining, New York. "Explain that Mom will be a better mom if she's happier, and part of being happy is adult companionship and intimacy." Though it may take some time, your child will eventually accept that being with someone else contributes to your happiness.

> Do not feel you have to introduce the kids to every person you date. Wait until there is someone special in your life. Experts say it is often more appropriate —especially with younger children — to say you're spending time with a friend rather than telling them you are out on a date. Stacy Kaiser, M.F.T., a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, relationship expert and single mother of two, has been dating for 2 years and has yet to introduce her 9- and 11-year-old children to a date. "I tell them that if I ever have anybody important for them to know about, I will tell them," says Kaiser, who has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy. One of the leading causes for kids not liking a parent's new partner, she adds, is the fact that they've seen so many of them come and go.

> Don't force your relationship on your child. If you do form a serious relationship, consider limiting the time that your new partner and children are together and avoid pressuring your child to spend time with him or her. Mothers should realize that while they enjoy a particular man's company, their kids might not, says Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D., a clinical child psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, Fla.

> Do not permit your kids to approve your dating choices. That gives them way too much power, Kaiser says, and it saddles them with adult-level responsibilities. Remember, they will come around once they realize this person contributes to your happiness.

> Make sure that you spend time focused only on your children — without any of your dates around. It's important that "a child knows that there will be a chance for him to have Mom all to himself,"

Panaccione says. "That way, when she does go out, he does not feel as much of a loss and knows his time will come." This is true even when the kids become teens, says Brian Davis, a single dad of 2 teen boys in Chicago. "Clearly, I never wanted the kids to feel they were second in line or that their time and my attention for them would come only when there was nothing else better to do," Davis adds. "They always know that they have at least one night a week that's theirs."

> Set boundaries. Keep in mind that physical displays of affection may make kids uncomfortable. Laura Kramer, a freelance corporate trainer from Westchester County, N.Y., has been juggling 3 kids (who are now teenagers) as a single mother. When it would come time for her boyfriend to spend the night, she'd make sure it was when her children were with their father. To avoid the potentially embarrassing and uncomfortable situation, Kramer set boundaries. "I set the rule that when they were with their father, if they wanted to come home, they needed to call me and actually speak with me," she says.

> Show your children that caring for someone else doesn't mean you love them any less. To make dating and a relationship work for both you and your child, "your child cannot doubt your love," maintains Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a best-selling author, sex therapist and couples counselor in New York City. "On the other hand, you have to be firm about your own right to be happy because a happy person makes a happy parent."

Source: Lisette Hilton (revolutionhealth)

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Single parents' guide to introducing a date to the kids

Introducing a new person in your life to the kids can produce anxiety for everyone. Here are tips to keep it low-key.

Following the loss of a spouse through divorce or death, many custodial parents take some time off to heal before embarking on a new relationship. This allows the kids to get over the loss of a parent as well.

So when the remaining parent begins dating other people, he or she should introduce a new person to the kids with discretion and finesse. You don't want to inadvertently overwhelm, threaten, or excite the kids with a new relationship, especially until you see how it's going to work out in the long run.

1. Start slow. Get to know the new person in your life to see if it's going to endure. Introducing the kids after a few weeks may be too soon, since many relationships naturally end or bond within a three-month period. Wait until you know your new romantic squeeze before getting the kids involved. This will help to protect their emotions and well-being in case the relationship doesn't work out.

2. Take it easy. When the time for introductions comes, keep it low key. You may want to introduce the kids as you leave for a date. Or you could take your friend to a school event and make introductions afterward. Keep it short and simple at first to give the kids and your friend time to reflect on first impressions. Meet for lunch instead of hosting a long evening dinner. Let early impressions slowly sink in before inundating your kids with frequent exposure to your new friend.

3. Don't overdo it. After your beau and the kids meet, space out their interactions. Don't encourage them to get too thick right away. If the relationship doesn't work, the kids may be devastated if they've formed an attachment to your friend, and it may feel like another loss. There’s no point in putting them through that needlessly. Let their meetings be few and fun until you see how things are going to work out.

4. Keep it simple. Avoid meshing the kids with your friends in high-tension situations. For example, there is no need to spend weekends together or take group vacations right away. An occasional night out or weekend event provides enough exposure to help acquaint everyone without overdoing it. Light entertainment rather than heavy involvement is the key to bringing all parties together.

5. Don't force it. If your friend doesn't care for children, or your kids, don't insist on their spending time together. Conversely, if your children do not care for your new main squeeze, don't push it. Allow them to maintain a respectful distance. With time, things may change. But if not, you will have a better indication of how to proceed with this glimpse into a future step-family situation.

Introducing children to new relationship interests is a delicate matter. Since so many step-families report later problems with child discipline and respect issues, it is important to test the waters gradually and respond accordingly. Some single parents choose to wait for a serious relationship until their children are grown. If you sense the potential for discord, this may be one of the options you'll decide to explore.

Source: eSSORTMENT

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Dating Tips for Single Moms


Ease Your Kids Into It

When you’re ready to begin dating, ease into it with your kids. Don’t suddenly make a bomb-shell announcement like, "Mommy’s going to go on a date. This is really important." This will guarantee resentment. Simply mention that you are going out with a friend when you have a first date. After all, this is all it is at this point.

Enjoy Your Date

Once you’ve decided to go on a date with a man, commit yourself to focusing on it and enjoying it fully. That means not calling the baby sitter every half hour to check in. If you aren’t ready to trust someone to watch the kids while you enjoy an evening out focused on enjoying yourself and getting to know someone, you shouldn’t be dating yet. You’ll also send huge signals to the man you’re with that you aren’t ready to start a relationship of any type.

Don’t Look at Your Date as a Potential Parent – Yet

Here’s a dating tip for single moms that also applies to single guys with kids: your first date should be about whether you like the person you’re out with. Don’t look at him like he’s a potential new parent for your kids – it’s way too early for that. It won’t matter if you end up deciding he isn’t right for you, and you don’t want to put too much pressure on him all at once. You just might scare the right man away before he has the chance to prove himself this way.

Avoid Competition

Don’t sacrifice traditional family activities for the sake of a date. If Sundays are always set aside for pancakes and bacon with your kids, don’t start making Sunday plans with a man you’re dating after just a few weeks – it sets an unhealthy precedent for a sense of competition between your children and your date.

Introducing Him to Your Kids

If you do establish a significant relationship, begin introducing him to your children little by little. Short, fun activities so that everyone can relax and enjoy getting to know one another are a good start. Neutral territory (a family restaurant or perhaps the zoo) is best at first. You can add including your new suitor in family activities after your children have grown comfortable with him.

Guys to Avoid

As your children get to know him, make sure that the man you’re dating accepts your children just as they are. He shouldn’t try to discipline or change them – that’s not his job. If he becomes critical of your children or of your parenting style, it’s time to end it.

Make the Rules Clear from the Start

Your children will always come first. It’s one of the most important dating tips for single moms I know of. If the man you’re dating doesn’t understand this now, he won’t later. Some men will commend you for this and agree whole-heartedly – these are the mature, loving ones. Other men will feel like this puts them in "second place," and they will probably never love your children like they should be loved because he will see them as competition for your time and affection.

Don’t Lean on the Man You’re Dating Too Soon

Any serious relationship is a big step, and you never want to confide everything or rely on the person you’re dating too early on. This dating tip for single moms applies to any single (don’t cry about ex’s, your parents, etc. on the second date), but it is particularly true for singles moms who are dating. He may be perfectly wonderful, but even the strongest, most compassionate man will be frightened if you spend your third date discussing details of your child’s adjustment problems in third grade or your concerns about whether your teenage daughter is drinking. These are serious matters, and should only be discussed once a serious relationship is established.

Let Your Dates be About You and Him

He may come to love your children completely, but the person he asked out was you. Remember to talk about things beyond parenting.

I hope you also remember to have a good time on your dates – remember, you’re not only a mom, you’re also a vibrant single woman! If you keep this in mind as well as the above dating tips for single moms, you’ll have a wonderful time now and in the future – and you may find someone who is good for you and your children!


Source : Kevin Urban (Buzzle.com)

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Things to consider before dating as a single parent

For a single parent, the dating world can be treacherous. Trying to find a mate is difficult for yourself. That difficulty is multiplied when searching for a mate, and a positive, role model for your child. There are amoral people willing to take advantage of your vulnerability. People are there to take advantage of your stigma.

Single parents have a stigma. They have children. Their mates aren't with them. When dating someone, there are issues with finding "mates" or "step parents". Consider these factors and the others below when dating.

Is it smart to do background checks on dates? Nowadays, you should do checks on anyone you have personal and professional involvement with. There are pedophiles, murderers, con artists and other unsavory folks around. Criminals use whatever means to manipulate innocent people. Most single parents are innocent, needy, lonely and easy to manipulate. Be proactive and do criminal background checks. That's doing right by your children.

Would someone with children be a good choice? There's an old saying. "Misery loves company." Children aren't miserable. They're a joy. Single parents tend to circulate with other single parents. Whether you're a single mom or a single dad, choose mates that work hard for their families. That way, two families can mesh into one.

Would someone childless be a good choice? People without children are capable of being good, role models for yours. Tell them right away you have kids. From the beginning, they know what your situation is. By their answer, you can decide if they want a serious relationship, a casual fling or just a "good time". Obviously, a good time and a casual fling shouldn't be brought around your children. Nothing confuses a child more than seeing different adults in your company. Be mindful of that if you bring dates home.

How soon would you bring a friend around your kids? When dating someone, the idea is to ease a potential mate into your family. If your children are of age to understand, you should talk to them about your relationship. That discussion should take place before inviting the person around them. There is no timetable for the meet and greet to occur. Usually, a few months is the norm to introduce your mate.

Would you still date someone your kids don't like? You're an adult. You're going to do what you want. If your mate disrespects them or you, break up with them. If your mate treats them and you with respect, take things slower. Over time, your children should come around.

For all single parents out there, you can find someone too. Be honest. Regardless of who you choose, put your children first!


Source : Marcus Brooks ( Helium )

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First Date Tips for Single Parents


1. Do not meet your date at your home if your kids are there. Your children really should only be introduced to long-term dating partners and not to everyone you go out with. Plus, you do not want to overwhelm your already nervous date.

2. Keep discussions of your children to a minimum. Your date wants to get to know you right now, not your kids.

3. Do not keep checking with your date to see if he or she is having a good time. You should be able to guess this from their body language. Asking will only make you seem desperate. You need to be attentive but not smothering.

4. A date that involves sharing an activity where you are able to talk with one another can help you get to know the person better. Movies, while popular, involve a lot of silence and are not good for early dates.

5. Keep your dress appropriate and conservative. Too dressed up may make your companion think that you are high maintenance while too casual may come off as sloppy or uncaring. Ladies should save the plunging necklines or short skirts for later dates as you want your date to get to know you and not be distracted.

6. Do not discuss loaded topics such as past relationships or sex. If you get asked about your last relationship, be brief with your answer. Definitely do not bring up the marriage word.

7. Focus your attention on your date. Do not ogle members of the opposite sex or keep staring at the game on the nearby TV screen. Keep the cell phone turned off and out of sight. If you keep checking it, your date may think that you are bored and looking at the time.

8. Thank your date at the end of the evening even if you did not have a good time. Be polite even if the other person is not. You never know when you may run into him or her again or who he or she may know.

9. Try not to obsess over how the date went or whether you will go on another one with this person. Let relationships progress naturally and keep your options open until you enter a long-term relationship.

Source : Annie In Dating ( Single Parent Spot )

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Dating Tips For Single Parents

Flying Solo: Dating Dos and Don'ts

Single motherhood and a social life? It can be done

1. You make the rules. Many people seem to have an opinion about single mothers, and their advice when it comes to your private life is: Take up needlepoint. Forget them. A single mother can date, seriously or casually. A single mother can be seen out dancing on a Saturday night. A single mother can even have sex!

2. Nobody loves a parade. It's not necessary to introduce your kids to every guy who takes you to a movie. Wait until you're secure in the relationship before you let your kids perceive someone as "Mommy's boyfriend." Have a reliable sitter lined up, suggests Magdoff, so you don't end up bringing children along before you're ready.

3. Don't lean too hard too soon. Resist the temptation to make the new guy a parenting helper right away, adds Magdoff. Until you've actually decided that the time is right, don't ask him to pick up your daughter from ballet just because it's on his way over for dinner. "Hold back," Magdoff says. "Don't have him take on parenting roles until it feels stupid not to. When all three of you are saying, 'But ballet class is right by his office,' then it's time."

4. Nothing but the truth. While discretion is recommended, lying and sneaking are not. If you think extramarital sex is okay, when questions arise you should be able to explain to your children (in an age-appropriate manner) why and under what conditions. If you can't, then don't do it. Behave as you want your kids to when they reach early adulthood.

5. Have your priorities straight. Keep your hormones in check when making decisions. Maybe it's more important for you to be at the school basketball playoffs than away for the weekend with your beau. But on the other hand:

6. Don't be a martyr. Magdoff warns against using your kids as an excuse to avoid intimacy—putting them between you and your social life. In other words, sometimes the weekend away is more important than the basketball game.

7. When you're out, be out. One way single mothers sabotage relationships and act out their guilty feelings, Magdoff adds, is by talking about their children constantly while on a date. "Five minutes max," she says.

8. Don't succumb to pressure. My long-term relationship was a lot more than dating and a lot less than marriage—and was sometimes a little difficult to explain to outsiders. But it was right for me and my kids at the time. I did what I thought best, and that's why I have no regrets.

9. Leave when it's time. One of the more trying moments in a single mother's life is splitting up with someone her kids care about. I know women who have stayed in iffy relationships "for the kids." This makes even less sense when you're not married. Change and loss are part of life, things everyone has to deal with. If a particular bond is really strong, perhaps there's a way for that adult and child to maintain a connection.

10. Expect resistance. Magdoff says, "Lots of times women are dating perfectly nice guys and their kids are horrible to them, especially if it's the first guy after the divorce or the first one you get serious about." One articulate ten-year-old Magdoff knows admitted to his mother: "It's not Bill who's the problem—I like him. It's you. I used to have you all to myself, and now I have to share you." Acknowledge and accept kids' feelings. Say, "I love you as much as ever, but sometimes I'm not here when you want me to be. I like to spend time with my friends, just like you do." Don't let your kids control you—or try and force them to like the guy, either.

Source : Marion Winik (Woman’s Divorce)

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Single parents: When to start dating again


When to start dating again? What a difficult question without a definite answer. There are several things to consider. First and foremost, when are you ready to date. Many times you cannot answer this question until it happens. When it does happen, it is a feeling. When you meet that person, things start to happen. You do things that you normally don't do, such as: *better care for hygiene, showing up at places that someone special will be at, *feelings of "butterflies" when that person is not around, etc. Many of the signs that you are ready are not easily observable by you. It is not until you take the time to sit back and reflect that you can say, yes, I have made myself for available for a certain person. For some people, it may be right away, for others it may take time.

Another very important factor is when the children are ready. A parent cannot be completely selfish and put his/her desires before the children. Remember, you are a parent first. How do you know when your children are ready? It comes down to a simple social skill called communication. This does not only mean talking to them about it, but you also must listen. Listening to your children is more important than talking. You will never know when you listen with your ears and listen to body language with your eyes, and listen to the overall package with your heart.

The last factor that I will touch on is when your ex is ready. Why does this matter? Because if your ex is not ready, he/she can make your life a living hell for you, the children, and the person you are dating. You need to make yourself happy first, but if you are always dealing with the intangibles of dealing with a meddling ex, then it is more difficult to be happy.

Ultimately, you need to listen to your heart. This is the place where all of the answers come together. Your heart will tell you when the time is right, the place is right, and the person is right. If you are completely listening, your heart will tell you when your children are ready. It is the one thing that can answer all the questions for you

Source: Jon Chappuis (Helium)

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