Single Parent Dating: Seven Tips for Helping Your Child Cope


You're a single parent who has decided to start dating. You've talked to enough people to know that your kids may not accept this easily. For starters, experts say, chances are good that your son or daughter still yearns for Mom and Dad to reunite.

"Children often will simply reject anybody new because they want Mommy and Daddy to be back together," says John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (Harper & Brothers, 1992) and its many sequels.

But there's a lot you can do to help your kids accept your decision to date. Here are some pointers:

> Explain to your children that adult companionship is important to your happiness. Introduce the concept of dating early on, advises Wendy Kaufman, chief executive officer of Balancing Life's Issues, an executive and personal wellness training organization based in Ossining, New York. "Explain that Mom will be a better mom if she's happier, and part of being happy is adult companionship and intimacy." Though it may take some time, your child will eventually accept that being with someone else contributes to your happiness.

> Do not feel you have to introduce the kids to every person you date. Wait until there is someone special in your life. Experts say it is often more appropriate —especially with younger children — to say you're spending time with a friend rather than telling them you are out on a date. Stacy Kaiser, M.F.T., a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, relationship expert and single mother of two, has been dating for 2 years and has yet to introduce her 9- and 11-year-old children to a date. "I tell them that if I ever have anybody important for them to know about, I will tell them," says Kaiser, who has a master's degree in marriage and family therapy. One of the leading causes for kids not liking a parent's new partner, she adds, is the fact that they've seen so many of them come and go.

> Don't force your relationship on your child. If you do form a serious relationship, consider limiting the time that your new partner and children are together and avoid pressuring your child to spend time with him or her. Mothers should realize that while they enjoy a particular man's company, their kids might not, says Vicki Panaccione, Ph.D., a clinical child psychologist and founder of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, Fla.

> Do not permit your kids to approve your dating choices. That gives them way too much power, Kaiser says, and it saddles them with adult-level responsibilities. Remember, they will come around once they realize this person contributes to your happiness.

> Make sure that you spend time focused only on your children — without any of your dates around. It's important that "a child knows that there will be a chance for him to have Mom all to himself,"

Panaccione says. "That way, when she does go out, he does not feel as much of a loss and knows his time will come." This is true even when the kids become teens, says Brian Davis, a single dad of 2 teen boys in Chicago. "Clearly, I never wanted the kids to feel they were second in line or that their time and my attention for them would come only when there was nothing else better to do," Davis adds. "They always know that they have at least one night a week that's theirs."

> Set boundaries. Keep in mind that physical displays of affection may make kids uncomfortable. Laura Kramer, a freelance corporate trainer from Westchester County, N.Y., has been juggling 3 kids (who are now teenagers) as a single mother. When it would come time for her boyfriend to spend the night, she'd make sure it was when her children were with their father. To avoid the potentially embarrassing and uncomfortable situation, Kramer set boundaries. "I set the rule that when they were with their father, if they wanted to come home, they needed to call me and actually speak with me," she says.

> Show your children that caring for someone else doesn't mean you love them any less. To make dating and a relationship work for both you and your child, "your child cannot doubt your love," maintains Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a best-selling author, sex therapist and couples counselor in New York City. "On the other hand, you have to be firm about your own right to be happy because a happy person makes a happy parent."

Source: Lisette Hilton (revolutionhealth)