Single parents' guide to introducing a date to the kids

Introducing a new person in your life to the kids can produce anxiety for everyone. Here are tips to keep it low-key.

Following the loss of a spouse through divorce or death, many custodial parents take some time off to heal before embarking on a new relationship. This allows the kids to get over the loss of a parent as well.

So when the remaining parent begins dating other people, he or she should introduce a new person to the kids with discretion and finesse. You don't want to inadvertently overwhelm, threaten, or excite the kids with a new relationship, especially until you see how it's going to work out in the long run.

1. Start slow. Get to know the new person in your life to see if it's going to endure. Introducing the kids after a few weeks may be too soon, since many relationships naturally end or bond within a three-month period. Wait until you know your new romantic squeeze before getting the kids involved. This will help to protect their emotions and well-being in case the relationship doesn't work out.

2. Take it easy. When the time for introductions comes, keep it low key. You may want to introduce the kids as you leave for a date. Or you could take your friend to a school event and make introductions afterward. Keep it short and simple at first to give the kids and your friend time to reflect on first impressions. Meet for lunch instead of hosting a long evening dinner. Let early impressions slowly sink in before inundating your kids with frequent exposure to your new friend.

3. Don't overdo it. After your beau and the kids meet, space out their interactions. Don't encourage them to get too thick right away. If the relationship doesn't work, the kids may be devastated if they've formed an attachment to your friend, and it may feel like another loss. There’s no point in putting them through that needlessly. Let their meetings be few and fun until you see how things are going to work out.

4. Keep it simple. Avoid meshing the kids with your friends in high-tension situations. For example, there is no need to spend weekends together or take group vacations right away. An occasional night out or weekend event provides enough exposure to help acquaint everyone without overdoing it. Light entertainment rather than heavy involvement is the key to bringing all parties together.

5. Don't force it. If your friend doesn't care for children, or your kids, don't insist on their spending time together. Conversely, if your children do not care for your new main squeeze, don't push it. Allow them to maintain a respectful distance. With time, things may change. But if not, you will have a better indication of how to proceed with this glimpse into a future step-family situation.

Introducing children to new relationship interests is a delicate matter. Since so many step-families report later problems with child discipline and respect issues, it is important to test the waters gradually and respond accordingly. Some single parents choose to wait for a serious relationship until their children are grown. If you sense the potential for discord, this may be one of the options you'll decide to explore.

Source: eSSORTMENT